Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
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A couple of my all time favorites
Last week l was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs, Amber, Mocha and Brandy . I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, l was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and lVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(l have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Moral of the story:
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana, he performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't ---- for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~
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Breaking news - shock discovery in Ottawa.
Ottawa Police have just released details of a cache of weapons, money and
prostitutes.
Last Wednesday evening, following a tip-off, the police
discovered a cache of 40 semi-automatic firearms, 20,000 rounds of
ammunition, a grenade launcher, an anti-tank missile, three machetes,
$3.5 million of forged $20 notes, 2 kilograms of heroin, 750 grams of
crack cocaine, and 18 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes.
All of these
items were discovered in a house next door to the Public
Library.
Local residents expressed their amazement at
the find.
A community spokesman told our reporter: "We're all
completely stunned.
No-one around here knew that we had a library".Leave a comment:
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