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That's frikkin hilarious ! Reminds me of a huge party I had about 30 years ago ! Cops showed up for noise complaints, while giving me a hard time a taxi shows up for one of my guests. The taxi driver is so hammered that he plows into the back of the police car, cop looks at me and shakes his head and says " it's gonna be one of those nights "
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R.C.M.P.
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans
Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.
When the Mountie asked the driver why he
was speeding, the driver answered that he
was a magician and a juggler and he was
on his way to Brandon to do a show that
night at the Shrine Circus and didn't
want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was just
fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him then he
wouldn't give him a speeding ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent
all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares
in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he
could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie
got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act,
a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk, a good old boy, driving through from Alberta
got out and watched the performance briefly.
He then went over to the patrol car, opened
the rear door and then got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went
over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked
the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk then replied to the Mountie ...
"You might as well take me to jail"....
"Cause there's no friggin` way I can pass that test"Leave a comment:
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Last one sounds like Bell and Rogers attitude these days. Great joke !
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nom nom nom burnt pancakes
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear
to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume
company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your
wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very
truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of
complaint. A week goes by and he receives another
parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head,
you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme
Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald
head so again he writes the company another nasty
letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small
parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up
your ass and go as a caramel apple. Acme Costume Co.Leave a comment:
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more good ones excellent
Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations
annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.
Trudeau said he wasn’t there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.
Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal
Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to
legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the First
Nations.
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd cheered wildly and then the head of
The First Nations band presented him with A plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very proud and pleased Justin then departed in his motorcade, waving to
the crowds..
A news reporter from CBC later asked one of the Indians how they came to
select the new name given to Justin Trudeau .
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit
that it can no longer fly.
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was
another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'
Happy Halloween
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
How ever, as the labor progressed, the husband felt Fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
.................................................. .
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied.
"He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
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Latest aviation banter...
>>
>> St. Louis approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the marker, you're number one".
>>
>> United 123 (male voice): "Roger, balls to the wall".
>>
>> St. Louis approach to American: "American 4321, you're number two behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."
>>
>> American 4321 (female voice): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."
>>
>> -Radio silence-
>>
>>
>> Unidentified Pilot (male voice): "Is American hiring?
.................................................. ...
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
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For our Down Under friends!
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
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A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded,
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said......
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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shipwreck
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Yes, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
............................................
Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed...........
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f^&kin one?"
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."Leave a comment:
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from 499.99 to 699.99, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league .
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual, and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby.. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every (4) letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b*&^%$ this time.....Leave a comment:
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