And now for some Humor

[Father Fuzzy]

I need a new plumber

[gdesmo]

That's hilarious ! Send me some plane tickets, would be happy to do it ! lol

[wolfslayer1]

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy
tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load - but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling
you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language
to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to
siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested
and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off
every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it
came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything(GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.....................


.................................................. ................


This is a test for men only,and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

------------------------------------------------------------
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.

Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names here, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions

[Hooded]

Funny stuff wolfy
I guess I'm a real man at least.

[Father Fuzzy]

actual detroit bank robbery

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v...type=2&theater

[gdesmo]

So funny, but I'm sort of surprised none of the bystanders were doing very much to point them out ! Lets see if Bung's gives you a hard time for going to Farcebook !

[gdesmo]

Although I was a straight A student many decades ago, this time it's C's across the board ! Good one Wolfie !!!

[bungwirez]

[mr. biggums]

I'm surprised his wife hasn't killed him.

[gdesmo]

Never mind, I may go over there and put him out of his misery-inducing obsession !

[Father Fuzzy]

Corn maze for blondes

[wolfslayer1]

Heartwarming Story

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around, and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they
got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Lowes ever bring us the $%&ing drywall."

.................................................. .........................

Some of these are old ......

All Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like a Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named “Ahmal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends.
This was done in the hope
that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.


No pun in ten did.

.................................................. ..............

A Redneck went hunting one day in Alberta and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Rednecks.The game warden ordered to the Redneck to show his hunting license, and the Redneck pulled out a valid Alberta hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Alberta. This is a Saskatchewan duck. You got a Saskatchewan huntin’ license, boy?” The Redneck reached into his wallet and produced a Saskatchewan hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Alberta duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got an Manitoba license?”
The Redneck reached into his wallet and produced an manitoba license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Alberta duck either. This here duck’s from B.C. . You got a B.C. huntin’ license?”

Again the Redneck reached into his wallet and brought out a B.C. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Redneck “Just where the hell are you from?

“The Redneck turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

.................................................. ...........................

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ----'



SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..


TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



Son of a bitch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

.................................................. .........

[Father Fuzzy]

good ones wolfslayer

[gdesmo]

Ha Ha ! Good ones both of you !

[DazMode]