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Just yanking your chain, nass. Give me a yell one of these days. Cheers bud and have a great day, although I'm sure you are working.Leave a comment:
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On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
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A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor " Are you my doctor?", he asked. " Yes, I am." The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother? " " Yes, I am," she said " Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father? " " Yes, I am," his father answered The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger and said Hurts, doesn't it?"
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Boy I'm glad I retired!!!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 7 (6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday)
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break or a permanent vacation.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you miss classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with ?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
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Staying cool
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little twerp's name is Kevin."
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An elderly gent was invited to an friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, baby, Sweetheart, Darling, etc…
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, ‘I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names’. The old man hung his head, sighed and said ‘I have to tell you the truth, her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is...’
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There was a 16 yr old girl who had a feeling she was pregnant after having unprotected sex. She was very afraid of her parents but she had to consult her mother. "Mom I think ...I'm pregnant" she said. The mother enraged took her by the hand and went to the pharmacy across the street to pick up a pregnancy test. After she took it to no one's surprise she was pregnant. "Go tell your dad this instance! He will teach you some manners!", So she tells her dad and said "dad I'm pregnant" he slaps her across the "You immature little brat. call the guy responsible right now so I can have a talk with him!" said the dad...so she calls him. After the three of them were sitting by the table waiting for this guy, they hear a car pull up. Out the window they see a young man dressed in a tux coming out of his brand new Porsche. He comes in looking all handsome and sits down. "I'm sorry about your daughter" he said. "I'll take full responsibility, If she's having a boy I'll give him 500,000 dollars and a brand new car. If it's a girl I'll give her $500,000 and a new house. If she's having twins I'll give them $1,000,000 a house and a car. But if she's not pregnant..." the father quickly puts his hand on the guys shoulder and says "Well son, you're just gonna have to go out with her again."
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The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b@!!sLeave a comment:
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