And now for some Humor

[Bartacus]

LOL! I read all those one liners in Steven Wrights voice. That made them even funnier.

[wolfslayer1]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Now, Do you want a bed near the window?"

.................................................

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband's friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband's in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I'll give it to you if you'll open your bathrobe for me."

She's offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I'll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts."

Now she's really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That jerk owes me 800 bucks!"

...........................................

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...
I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST... I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops..there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST... I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST... I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST... I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

.............................................

A man was riding the bus minding his own business when this gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby..the baby wouldn't take so she said " come on sweety drink...or i'll have to give it to this nice man over here"....5 mins went by and still the baby wont eat so the lady says " if u don't eat honey.. i'll let this nice man have it"....after a couple mins the anxious man yelled out "COME ON KID ...MAKE UP UR MIND ,I WAS SUPPOSE TO GET OFF 4 STOPS AGO!

.........................................

Well I am pi$$ed!

I bought a smart car, and it failed the driving test.

...........................

Atheism is a non prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his mouth out with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have his shell, is he homeless or naked?


Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put braille on the drive through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "a$$teroids"?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, does he become disoriented"

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God.

...................................

Never Lose Your Grandson! A heart warming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall...

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"


The guard asked, "What's his name?"


"Grandpa"


The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"


The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big tts."

..............................

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these beotichs would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

.....................................

I get confused when I hear the word"Service"used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Canada Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I would hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am

[Hooded]

Gotta love the little Johnny jokes

[wolfslayer1]

Just had to add these;

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN !!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'



The teacher sat down and cried.

.................................................

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[wolfslayer1]

Three little ducks go into a Bar........
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey, ' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'

.................................................. .............

A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in
their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry
I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,
you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're
all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have
time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to
come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm
sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing so I didn't have time to get you anything..."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see,
we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to
college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other
very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bast**ds?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

..................................................

A man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me.............talking to the beer."

.................................................. .

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read"

.................................................. .

A salesman knocked on a door one day. A 11 yo boy opens it wearing A bra and panties, with a bottle of wiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other. The salesman ask " Son, is your parents home ? "

The boy replies " What the hell do you think."

.................................................

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front-seat of' the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs, she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants. "

.............................................

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
Was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
Beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
But after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the
Mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
Would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally
The principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
Problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
Just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
Asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
Took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
Mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . And then there are educators.

[Bartacus]

LOL! Wolf, these things make my mornings! Thanks for taking the time to post em!

[wolfslayer1]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

..........................................

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

.................................................. .....

Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Mankato, MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

.................................................. .........

Two engineering students meet on campus one day.

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"

"Good choice!" says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

.................................................. ...


A man walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and the other hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Buddy. Coming right up."

He gets the man a tall mug of coffee..... The man drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The man smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

.............................................

You know your getting older when you look at a beautiful 19-year-old girl and you find yourself thinking " I wonder what her mother looks like."

...............................................

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.




They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[gdesmo]

Ha ha ! Last one was the best.

[wolfslayer1]

A Texan is drinking in a Colorado bar when he gets a call on his cell phone..



He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas ,folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."



Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks...so how much does he weigh now?



"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."



The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."



The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the ! bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

...........................................

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head,
and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now ?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week...

.................................................. ..

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car g oing 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,



"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”

.................................................. ............

Women are smart. They know how to make your neck swell up and squeeze your wallet out of your pocket.

.................................

Young Miss Molly Murphy went to confessional.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned" , she spoke to old Father Flynn.

"Tell me your sin."

"Last night I let my boyfriend make mad passionate love to me 5 times."

"Go home and squeeze the juice of five lemons and drink the juice", said Father Flynn.

"Will this remove my sin" , she asked?

"No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

[Hooded]

A good laugh after a nights work, thanks Wolfy, now bed.

[gdesmo]

I love these ! So frikkin funny !

[wolfslayer1]

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf?!" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

Stevie replies "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

.................................................. .....................

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

[wolfslayer1]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

.................................................

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.

.................................................. ........................

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. A blond friend saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' she asked? 'Why, that is a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her friend inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blonde haired girl replied...'Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.'

.................................................. ..............

Did you hear about the two blonds who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

.................................................. ....................

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had
some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.



One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,


'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'


Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[nass]

lol

[gdesmo]

Ha ha ! Both are great !