And now for some Humor

[DazMode]

In case you missed this one

[MRDcanadian]

BAHAHAHAH goood one daz i had missed this

[Neo182]

LOL that's funny I saw it earlier this week and I thought about posting it to my facebook. I loved it!

[Neo182]

Posted this to my personal fb thought i'd share.
Robin and Sarah are two of my all time favorites. So both of them in one show should be awesome to see.

[wolfslayer1]

HOW TO START A FIGHT




One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked
me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you
last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,

"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

mikej

[Father Fuzzy]

[Fuzzy]

That was good Wolfslayer1

[MRDcanadian]

very funny sir.

[jrees]

LOL. Just came across this in the store:

http://www.dazmode.com/store/product/option_matrix/

[wolfslayer1]

This one's for bungwirez;


A conscerned citizen calls the RCMP:

"RCMP, How may I help you"

"My Neighbor is hiding Drugs in his firewood, I saw him put it there"

"Thanks for the call" <click>

The next morning the RCMP raids the neighbor's house, splits open all his firewood and finds nothing. So, after cursing out the mans neighbor, they get back in their cars and leave.

10 Minutes later:

<ring>
"Hello?"
"Hey Joe, The RCMP came?"
"Yeah"
"Did they chop up all your firewood?"
"Yeah..."
"Cool, next week you can call. I need my garden dug."

__________________________________________________ _



Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened TODAY
2. There is NO LIMIT
3. They taste just like CHICKEN
4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt
6. Spotlighting is LEGAL

They expect this Iraq conflict to be settled in about a week.

__________________________________________________ ___


Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a
bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of
the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and
very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill", answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow, he called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00"
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."


_______________________________________________


A fireman, lawyer and priest are standing outside of a burning school. The fireman says "we have to save the children". The lawyer says "f#@k the children". The priest says "do you think we have time?"

_________________________________________________


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.


I loved that beer.

___________________________


A guy goes in the bar and he say, "bartender give me shot of twelve year old scotch". The bartender thinks to himself, " oh yeah what's this guy know?' and pours some rail scotch. The guy takes a sip and exclaims, "who you trying to kid here that's the cheap rail scotch". The bartender was impressed turn around and pours some 25yr old scotch and gives it to him. He tries that one and says," That a very good 25yr old scotch but I prefer 12yr old. The bartender says," that's amazing, here". He pours and sets down a 12yr old scotch. The guy tastes it and say's, " now that's 12yr old scotch". "You really know your scotch" said the bartender. Then a drunk from the corner of the bar slams a shot glass in front of the guy and says," here, try this". He does and yells, "oh my God that tastes like piss!!" the drunk says, "Yeah, how old am I?"

________________________________

Wal-Mart greeter.
.
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."

"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

_________________________


A white guy is using a urinal and a Rastafarian using the next one over says "I notice you have Amy tattooed on your penis man". The white guy says "That's my girlfriends name, I notice you have Wendy tattooed on yours". The Rastafarian says "That's not Wendy man, when I get an erection it says 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day'''.

_______________________________


Old Lady's

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves,
You're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
Of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
Their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
Into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried, he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of! The procedure,
She burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always
Working!


mikej

[scaccima]

Nice ones wolf!!!!!

[DazMode]

ha-ha! thank you for posting!

[bungwirez]

nice one Wolf.

[wolfslayer1]

Cool Nymphomaniac convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba

__________________________________________________ ______

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

_________________________________________________

UP & DOWN SEX


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f**k or drown.

__________________________________________

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

__________________________________________________ ____

Old Retired Guys

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona ...

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime... wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Canada. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."

__________________________________________________ ______

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every
once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement .
Noticing this, a policeman stops her ... 'Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of your bag.'
"Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go
back and see if I can collect them.
Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. ' You see, my back yard is
right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's
a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my
flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I
say, '$20 or off it comes''
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

mikej

[scaccima]

Nice wolf!!