A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a
chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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- " Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Asia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, proposed to me on Skype and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber. I need your blessings and good wishes daddy.................."
Dad:
- "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids
on Amazon and send them through Paypal.
And if you are fed up with your husband.... sell him on Ebay".Leave a comment:
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In honour of the end of summer vacation,
Good luck with the school DAZELeave a comment:
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Just to add a few in the same line,
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
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Irish Birth Control
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
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Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? Your passengers seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"
To which the elderly driver replied, "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just turned off Route 142."
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Definition of “Coincidence”.
A chicken farmer went to the local bar and ordered champagne.
A woman beside him said:" How strange, I just ordered a glass of champagne also ".
" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating"
" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"
" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
" I used a different rooster " the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"
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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a cardiologist on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
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My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .
'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.
'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked
he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat arsed,
grey haired,
decrepit,
bastard asked..
"what did you teach ???"
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I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!Leave a comment:
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PUNOGRAPHY
· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.Leave a comment:
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Hilarious and totally true ! Could not have written that better if I thought about it for a week. Thanx for sharing that Hooded, has made my day and will save it for sure !
Leave a comment:
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At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side so now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like campingLeave a comment:
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