And now for some Humor

[bungwirez]

Yes... FF.

and I promise to at least try to stop with the Rob Ford jokes....

[gdesmo]

Nah, I want to see some more !

[Father Fuzzy]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.


After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.


One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.


Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?


The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'


Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:



'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.


Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'


The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'


Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'




At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years


And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'


With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.


For a few eerie moments,


Bob and Cinde rella looked into each other's eyes.




Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.


Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.


He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...


'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

[gdesmo]

OMG, Paybacks are a bitch ! Good one FF !!

[wolfslayer1]

Oil leak stopped!!!

One of the guys just told me that BP stopped the oil leak, said they put a wedding ring around it and it stopped putting out.

.................................................. ..............

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

..................................................

A man was leaving a 7-11 one morning after getting coffee and noticed a most unusual funeral procession heading for a nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was being followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy's curiosity got to him so he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?".

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife".

"What happened to her?".

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her".

He inquired further, "well, who is in the second hearse?".

The man answered "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her".

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Sir, can I borrow that dog?".

"Get in line".

..................................................

An older couple went to see a sex therapist.

The doctor asks "What can I do for you?".
The man says "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?".
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. He examines them both and directs them to go at it.
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and upon completion advised the couple "there's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse".

He then charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have at it with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally after two months of this, the doctor asked "just exactly what are you trying to find out?".

The old man says "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get $28.00 back from Medicare".

..................................................

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

..........................................

Guy wakes up lying in a hospital bed, wrapped head to toe in a cast. He sees a doctor standing over him who says "ahh, I see you're awake. Do you remember anything?". Guy says "no".

"You were in a pretty bad smashup on the freeway. You'll recover just fine but there is one bit of bad news".

"Give it to me Doc".

"Well, during the accident your Johnson was cut off and the paramedics were unable to find it".

Guy lets out a mournful wail.

Doc says "All is not lost, First your insurance company is cutting you a check for $9000.00 to cover the lost appendage. Also, we have a new procedure. We can build you a new one, in fact it will be better than the original! However, the surgery costs $1000.00 an inch. Now, before you make a decision there are some considerations. If you elect to spend the whole 9K for a 9"er and you had 5" before, well, you're wife may be a bit putout. Conversely if you had 9" before the accident and you decide to save, say 4K, and come home with 5" she may be quite disappointed. I suggest that you have a long discussion with her and both of you come to a mutual agreement. She''ll be here tonight for visiting hours so why don't you talk to her and let me know you're decision in the morning?".

"OK, doc, sounds like a good idea".

Next morning the doctor shows up for his usual rounds. He asks the accident victim if he and his wife had discussed it all.

"Yes Doctor, I told her all of it and we came to a decision".

"OK, what did you decide?".

"We're getting granite counter tops for the kitchen".

.............................................

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

..............................................

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

.................................................. ....

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as
we are?' She replied,
.
.
.
.
.
.

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

[Father Fuzzy]

good ones wolfslayer

[Father Fuzzy]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, "that part where hair has grown is called monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, "my monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said, "that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Mom fainted.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those:


Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs...


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'


'Well, I bought my mother a very expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it..
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'


'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.
' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you Have to Declare from your waist to the floor?'


'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
Which Is, to date, unused.'


Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.


I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.


So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.


And it’s the same side of the street.


I don’t have to cross the road!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME!! - I haven't seen a man in over two years!"


"Lard Tundering Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"


I put drops in her eyes!!

[gdesmo]

You guys are cracking me up, what a laugh !

[GEARjmr]

Here's a funny one, since it is the slow time of year for us pebble haulers out here in BC, the company I work part time for hasn't called me all week for work. They call me this mornin' at 10 to see if I'll work for a couple of hours at noon

[gdesmo]

Couple hours work with 2 hours notice, not very nice unless they make it really worth your while !

[Father Fuzzy]

Questions that haunt me

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?





Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?




If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And my
FAVORITE.........


The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[gdesmo]

ha Ha ! These are great FF !

[wolfslayer1]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9'' high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches back into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag once again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a billow of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "'I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Ya know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No joke!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

..................................................

A passenger plane is about to crash. Suddenly a lovely young lady stands up, strips off her clothing and shouts, " if I'm going to die I'm going to die feeling like a woman, is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man leaps to his feet, rips off his shirt and says,......."here, iron this for me."

..................................

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words? (Answers below, no fair peeking!)

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4.. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM







Answers...





1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
(You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?) (Shame on you, get your mind out of the gutter).

.........................................

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*&k off the windshield!"

.................................................. ...

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was... CELEBRATE!!

..........................................

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[gdesmo]

Had to post this, didn't think reptiles had these minor problems !

[Father Fuzzy]