And now for some Humor

[DazMode]

Ha-ha! Good one!

[wolfslayer1]

The flower show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The old one leaned over and said "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'll take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened?" asked her best friend.
"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

.....................................

The Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man exclaimed! He glanced at the menu and asked; "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel!" exclamed the man.
"Where's the guy that owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, " The same thing that I'm doing to his business down here!"

[gdesmo]

Excellent sir !

[wolfslayer1]

Getting Old ....

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the definition of getting OLD.

...................

Just Fishing ...

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy looking, curious gentleman came over to him asked what he was doing.
"Fishing" the old man said simply.
(Poor old fool),the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth," the old man Answered.

[Cyclops]

[gdesmo]

Ha ha !

[bungwirez]

oh thats great

[wolfslayer1]

For English Majors and Smart People...

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.


TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!


WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

.................................................. .........................

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's angelic voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a$$hole. I was talking to the cat"

[Neo182]

This guy. Bad ass of the day. hahaha.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry...o-save-his-dog

[wolfslayer1]

Hard to say if this is humour or face palm of the day .........

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!

[gdesmo]

All excellent sir and a sign of the times !

[DazMode]

Lol. Walmart story is totally true.

[Hooded]

Good stuff wolfly
A good chuckle for me this morning.

[wolfslayer1]

A husband went to the local police department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 40-channel Cobra CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[DazMode]

Haha!